Triangle dating advice
The rescuer steps in and says, "I can help you out. And it works fine, except every once in a while one of two things happens. He feels like he is shouldering all the responsibilities and that the other is not pulling his weight, not giving anything back, not appreciating what the rescuer is doing. The message underneath the behavior and anger that usually does not come out very clearly is: "Why don't you grow up! The message underneath that doesn't get said is Why don't you get off my back! He says to himself, "Poor me, every time I try to help, look what I get." The persecutor then feels bad about whatever he did or said and goes to the rescuer position and says something like, "I was stressed out, off my meds, tired from the kids.Just do what I say, everything will be fine." Often times couples will begin their relationship in some form of this. I'm sorry." And then they make up and go back to where they originally were.
But I still consider myself to be the woman who’s mostly avoided in dating situations. Getting someone to ask me out is an all-out Olympic event.Finding someone to stick around for more than one date? But this statement still sums up dating life for me: “It’s just that Bermuda doesn’t know how to handle itself when somebody sails into its territory, because that hardly ever happens.It hasn’t had much chance to practice, and it’s used to things going a certain way.If you quizzed me, I couldn’t tell you a time they were single for more than a few weeks at most. I’ve actually had a lighthouse friend get asked out while a boyfriend was sitting next to her.For me, it’s a like watching a strange scientific phenomenon unfold right before my eyes.This is a useful way of looking at relationships, and I use this in all my work with couples both as a way of seeing where they are, but also where they need to go.
It is based on the Drama Triangle, also known as the Karpman Triangle, which was developed by psychiatrist Steven Karpman in the in the early 1970's.
The rescuer as a child was often an only child, oldest, or grew up in a chaotic family.
He usually did not have many buffers between him and his parents, and learned early on that he could avoid getting in trouble and avoid conflict by being good: "If I can stay on my toes and just do what my parents (and teacher) wants me to do all the time, I won't get in any hot water." This type of person learns to be very sensitive to others as a means of survival.
And I’m incredibly jealous of my lighthouse friends.
It’s not that I don’t want them to get dates and be happy – but I would like to know there’s hope for me too.
Possibly a shark (I like sharks), but that sounds too aggressive. For now, I’ll be out there swimming around until I figure out what that middle-ground is.