Dating lost momentum
From an early age boys and girls are taught that relationships are successfully obtained by performing “complementary” roles of cat and mouse, pursuer and pursued, the actor and the acted-upon.Consequently, girls learn to define romance as a noun — a subjective experience brought about by a man’s actions.
Any digression from the beaten path of straight romance leaves other bi women feeling as though I’m not interested, even if I am interested but showing it in a different manner than she’s used to.I have personally seen this in action several times, as many polyamorous men have been all too excited for me to date their wife or girlfriend, only to suddenly refuse when I disclose that I am transgender.(See: The “One Penis Per Party Rule” as applied to polyamory: https://sexgeek.wordpress.com/2013/01/24/theproblemwithpolynormativity/ )It isn’t difficult to imagine that most gay women have internalized some of these awful messages, and it’s even less difficult to imagine the resultant feelings of insecurity regarding their sexual power or agency.As a result, is it really so hard to see why some gay women might feel wary or reluctant to begin a relationship with a bisexual woman?Recently, I sat down for coffee with a lesbian acquaintance of mine who’d been dumped a month earlier by a bi woman. ”After thinking on it for a moment, I told her that I didn’t.(Conversely, my relationships with straight men go haywire the moment I try to take a more active role in romance or courting.
A lot of men say they want that in a woman, but that has certainly not been my experience!
And while the sheer number of available partners may explain some aspect of why bi women partner more frequently with men, the heteronormative socialization described above is almost certainly as responsible, if not more so, for this phenomenon.
But an even more insidious hurdle to a bi and lesbian pairing is plain, old fashioned misogyny — the disdain for the feminine vs. For instance, accusations of deceit are leveled at bi women as well as bi men, ostensibly insulting both groups equally: Bi women are actually straight, and bi men are actually gay.
But I believe that it’s time to examine the pervasive, inner workings of heterosexual conditioning that, whether any of us in the bisexual community want to admit or not, have doomed so many bisexual/lesbian pairings to failure.
While I understand that I can’t speak for anyone else’s experiences, I’ve written this article with two particular perspectives in mind:1.
While lesbian women are certainly bombarded with the same messages about romance as everyone else, I wonder if perhaps they don’t internalize them to the same extent.